Category Archives: Funny story

Toilet Tale #1

Let me tell you a story.

I was up late last night, watching television and reading. Typical stuff. It was almost midnight and I decided I had better get to bed, so I headed into the bathroom just off the kitchen. Before I sat down I noticed the seat had been left up (darn boys) so I put it down. Then I saw that the toilet paper was low. Now in order to get to the package of toilet paper up on the shelf, I always step with one foot on the toilet to give me some leverage. I’m five feet and one whole inch short, so this is a normal thing, climbing on things to reach stuff.

Now remember it’s nearly midnight and my brain is rather fried, but still. What my brain told me was that I had put the lid down, when in reality I had only put down the seat. Do you see where I’m going with this? Can you picture what’s about to happen? I stepped on the toilet to get to the toilet paper, but because the lid was still up, my foot went straight down into the toilet bowl water. I stepped INTO the toilet. Like a moron. And then I just stood there for a few seconds, confused, trying to figure out what to do next. So since I did at least have some leverage, and I’m ever the multi-tasker, I went ahead and grabbed a roll of toilet paper from the shelf, with my foot still in the toilet.

It went something like this:
Step 1 – grab the toilet paper
Step 2 – remove foot from toilet bowl
Step 3 – sit down on seat and pee with one foot in the air
Step 4 – wash hands and foot. Rinse and repeat 1000 times.

The icing on this crap-cake was what happened next. I was laughing at myself while I washed my foot in the bathroom sink like a contortionist ninja, and then opened the door to find a very confused looking dog sitting and staring up at me. She never does this. She had been lying in her doggie bed and apparently heard the commotion and came to my rescue. She couldn’t even appreciate what had happened, but she seemed happy to see me emerging unharmed. I told her all about it and she didn’t even laugh at me. Now isn’t that nice?

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But at least my teeth are clean

I bought an electric toothbrush last weekend and the first time I used it I made the mistake of leaving the bathroom door open. The thing is noisy. My husband said it sounded like a Peter Frampton song and I laughed so hard I spit toothpaste all over myself. So now that’s what I think of every time I clean my teeth.

Magic Washer?

The other day we observed what we believe to be Piper’s birthday. She’s four years old now, so to celebrate we gave her a new squeaky Kong. She spent all day with that Kong, and miraculously the squeaker was still functioning at the end of the day. So when hubby was trying to take a quick nap before driving the kiddos to Grandma’s house, she w20181020_094835.jpgas making quite the racket outside in the hallway. I was across the hall working on laundry so I took the ball from her and placed it on top of the dryer. When I was done in the laundry room I took the ball and brought it downstairs before giving it back to her.

Fast forward a few days… now every time I walk upstairs, she leads me right back to the laundry room. To beg for a ball that isn’t there (pictured left). I think she must believe that’s where we are hiding them now (we buy a bunch at a time and keep them in our bedroom closet). Either that or she thinks the washer magically produces squeaky Kong balls. Wouldn’t that be a dog’s dream come true?

I honestly don’t know when I became a dog person, but there’s no doubt it happened. I suppose I can live with that.

 

Running out of gas

I think this week I’ve been approaching a wall. Lately I’ve been doing really well, energy wise, but this week I’ve noticed myself dragging quite a bit more. I am not the Energizer Bunny. Monday I slept until 11:11. That’s about 4 hours later than usual. Every day I debate whether to push myself or to take the hint and rest. I feel like I’ve found an okay balance between the two options, but I still have that nagging feeling that I need a major reset. Each night I go to bed hoping that night’s sleep will be the reset button. Maybe tonight! We’ll see.

Oh! I’m running a fun 5k on Friday night. It’s not chip timed, so it’s not exactly competitive. However, everyone will have squirt guns so it should be fun. I’m a smidge nervous because I won’t be able to wear my cochlear implants, but I’ll be running with a friend so I’ll have her to keep an eye out for me in case anyone is shouting at me to move aside or something.

I’m still seeing a counselor for my anxiety and she’s still really helping me. I don’t go as frequently now but I still have her suggestions to take with me throughout each day, and I’m constantly analyzing my inner thoughts to retrace how I got to each state of anxiety, and that’s actually really helping. I tell myself a lot of lies, apparently. So it’s good to be working that out. I’m taking every thought captive, just like that Bible verse in 2 Corinthians. Make each thought obedient to Christ, as in make sure it’s truth!

I am making a LOT of new friends at our church, and that’s been exciting. It’s nerve-wracking at first, because it feels scary to put myself out there and introduce myself to new people who didn’t know me prior to my hearing and vision loss. It doesn’t help that I keep introducing myself to people I’ve already met. The handful of people I’ve done that with don’t seem to mind. They just smile, shake my hand and say “we’ve already met, but that’s ok!” I’m leading a Financial Peace University class in September so I’ll have even more opportunities to re-introduce myself to people! Keeps life interesting, I guess.

Summer is half over, I know, but I’m just now getting the hang of it, I believe. We have a couple trips planned in the next month or so, stuff the kids can look forward to, but with enough down time in between to recover from all the fun we’ll be having. And then before you know it the kids will be back in school. Our son is starting middle school this year so he’ll be on an earlier schedule than his sister. He’ll have to be at the bus stop by 6:30, so we’ll have to get him used to waking up super early. I have been joking with him that he’s on his own here, that no way I’m getting up that early, but we all know I am too much of a control freak to let him fly without any supervision. So I’ll have to start getting used to being up early, if only to supervise for awhile.

Well, I have CrossFit in the morning so I need to sign off for now. Good night bloggy people!

Reading in my sleep

I read most of my books on the Kindle app because i can change the coloring so that its easier to see. Sometimes I’ll check out a large print book at the library, just because I miss holding a real book, turning the pages as I go. Swiping left on a screen just isn’t the same, you know?

Last night, as I do most nights, I read from my Kindle in bed. This morning I slept so hard I slept through two alarms and missed my chance to run before the heat of the sun showed up. So I slept pretty hard. I must have been pretty tired. Want to know how I know? I opened up my book just now and the bookmark was in a totally different chapter, far past where I remember reading. So I guess I did quite a bit of reading in my sleep last night.

I’ll be swiping right for awhile, until I find a familiar page…

The Squeaky Kong

I feel like ‘obsessed’ isn’t enough of a word to cover the intensity with which Piper goes after the squeaky Kong. If you’re not familiar, Kong is a brand of dog toy. We have found that Piper is so skilled at chewing things up, that buying just any old dog toy is a waste. Though I’ll admit, even with some of the Kongs, she’s able to destroy them within a day or so, if we let her.

Last year for Christmas my mom bought a giant Kong shaped like a football and sent it to us. Wrapped in plastic. In a USPS box. We never even opened the box because we were trying to wait until Christmas but she knew better. She could SMELL the Kong. And she obsessed over that box, she sniffed around it, sat and stared at it. She wouldn’t leave it alone. We ended up opening it and let her go crazy, because after all she’s just a dog and there’s no sense trying to teach her a lesson about waiting until Christmas.

When we buy new Kongs, we have to be stealthy about bringing them into the house. We ordered a pack of four this week from Amazon and I made sure to open the box behind closed doors so she wouldn’t know they were there. We figured it wouldn’t hurt to have extras on hand, because she does eventually destroy them. In fact, we gave her the first ball from that pack of four yesterday, and by today she had already managed to remove the squeaker.

On a normal day, sans Kong, Piper settles down in the evening, and is always eager to go to bed by 11 or so, when one of us goes. Not with a squeaky Kong around! If the ball is there, that’s all she cares about. She’s not trying to go to bed. If she has access to the ball, she’s bouncing it around and chewing on it. When we lock the ball up in another room (as we quickly found to be necessary if anyone wanted rest in this house), she’s sitting at the door, glancing back at us in anticipation. When one of us gets up in the middle of the night, she’s up and eagerly waiting for us to give her the ball. She’s ready at all hours to play with that Kong.

This obsession of hers is a running joke in our house now, and we get quite a lot of laughs out of it. Yeah, it’s annoying because the dang thing squeaks, but we know she’s happy, and that’s all that really matters.

Dogs and delivery drivers

Our dog Piper loves loves loves to meet new people. She’s what I call “aggressively friendly”. When anyone comes to the door, she’s right there yapping and jumping like the crazy dog she is.

Today the UPS driver came to pick up a package we were returning to Amazon, so I had to wiggle through the front door to give him the box. The entire time Piper was jumping at the glass door, just begging to join us. The driver was laughing at her antics and when we were done with our exchange he reached into his pocket and pulled out a dog biscuit! I was so surprised, and I told him thank you. I said she’s really harmless and she’s never bitten anyone, but that the FedEx driver was so scared of her he won’t even come up our driveway.

He said nothing, because maybe he didn’t want to bash the competition, but he gave me a smirky smile that told me he thought that was pretty funny.

I tried to get a picture of her with the biscuit but she scarfed it down too quickly.