Category Archives: Dreams

Sweet dreams

I went back to bed at 8:30 this morning for a nap. I woke up about an hour after and still felt like I didn’t want to move. Mostly my legs didn’t want to move, but really all of me. The bed is so warm and cozy. So I went back to sleep for another hour and a half. I was having a really vivid dream where I was sitting in a living room, talking to my friend Heather about how I had been feeling. That a friend from church’s mom died recently and I was thinking about how I would die someday. That I was afraid I would die young and my kids would be left without me. And as I was saying this last part I started sobbing, and she reached over and hugged me tight. Then I woke up, with tears in my eyes and it still felt like her arms were around me. And I stood up, wiped the tears from my eyes, shook off the sadness, and got dressed.

I think I need to keep going to therapy.

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I guess R.E.M. is still my favorite band

I had several vivid dreams last night and all of them were filled with the music of R.E.M., which is ironic and weird but also really awesome because I was able to hear and enjoy the music with working, human ears. In one dream I was actually chatting with Michael Stipe so that was an added bonus. He was his strange self but also very laid back and easy to talk to. Which was nice because even in my dreams I suffer from a little social anxiety. Ha!

Those types of dreams are so refreshing and a blessing to my heart. I consider them a gift from God and I am thankful for them. I’ve been deaf for a solid five years now but I will never lose my love for music.

The most thankful post yet

This morning I had a wonderful, realistic dream that our family was sitting around waiting for Thanksgiving dinner. Mike’s aunt and grandparents were there, and we were trying on hats, comparing head sizes. We were just talking and having a good time. Like the old days when I was a hearing person. In reality, that was only a short time ago. I lost my hearing quickly, but almost as quickly I was given the gift of a cochlear implant. I remember the fear of complete silence, and I still experience that in bits and pieces (bedtimes, showers, etc.). So while it will never quite be the same, dreams like I had today remind me that it’s possible. It is on the horizon.

Almost literally.

My husband’s family, my adopted family, will be here tomorrow for the food-filled holiday of Thanksgiving. My dream – or memory, perhaps – will become a reality. Laughing together, sharing stories, making new and wonderful memories. Redeeming last year’s Thanksgiving when I ran crying from the dinner table. Last year was the first year in over a decade that we had not hosted turkey day, and I am proud and nervous to be reclaiming that tradition after such a challenging year. We have always felt blessed around this time of year, but this year I think more than most. Last year I was such a mess, but over time God has picked me up and held me, and given me peace and patience and hope. When I had nothing to give, and barely the strength to ask for help, He rescued me. He rescued all of us.

“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now am found;was blind but now I see.”

Camping

Had a lovely time camping with the kids this week. I took a nap as soon as we got home. Sleep was interrupted by a nightmare that seemed like it came out of an episode of Criminal Minds (which I haven’t watched in well over a year). Oh well. I woke up to dinner with the family. I have laundry going and now I’m just trying to catch up on paperwork and junk while Grandpa feeds my kids ice cream. Between the ice cream and camping gunk, they will be bathing tonight!

**INTERMISSION**

And now the kids are bathed and in bed. Time for me to rest. Not doing laundry. Not working on a grocery list or planning my weekly chores. I still desperately need to bathe as well, but first I’m parked on the couch with a heating pad, warming my aching, arthritic lower back. Cuz I don’t have enough issues with the hearing and vision loss.

Ah, but life is good. I am blessed with a wonderful family. And it is so good to be home.

Gainfully unemployed

I had a disturbingly realistic dream this morning. I dreamt I was leaving my job. As I did for real last August. All the same people were there, but the office looked very different. More like the office in Nine to Five. Do you remember that movie? Anyway, in the dream I was packing up all of my stuff (which in real life I did not do) and saying my goodbyes. In the dream I was sad and frustrated, but when I started to wake up, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and relief.

I never admitted this while I was there, but I hated my job. Yes, I was doing accounting, but it wasn’t the kind of accounting I enjoyed. I started out at the firm six years prior doing monthly statements and reports and setting up new files, but by the end I found myself in the role of debt collector. Trying to collect from clients who had come to us for help getting out of a financial mess was like getting blood from a turnip. A losing battle. Every. Single. Day.

I still have the box of my stuff my coworkers had packed up for me. It’s been sitting, rarely touched, since the day I picked it up last September. Framed pictures, my iPod speakers, my candle (coffee) warmer. I even have my framed IRS Enrolled Agent certificate, which as of this week is now invalid. I did find my notary public stamp, which is still good for another five years, so that’s useful. The coffee mugs were the first things to come out when I brought the box home. However, I just realized today that my Einstein mug was never there. It must still be back at the office. My sister gave it to me, and it was a favorite. However, I’m hesitant to contact anyone from the office. I am afraid they would not understand my need to retrieve a silly coffee mug after all this time. After all, they’ve never contacted me. I worked there for six years and no one has asked me how I’m doing. Strange, but typical I suppose. Just goes to show a bit of what I hated about working there.

Oh well. The bottom line here is that some pretty crappy circumstances caused me to lose my job, and for that I am super grateful. In a way, becoming deaf rescued me from a life I was afraid to let go of. So, in God’s great power and graciousness, He plucked me out. He knew better than I, what I was afraid of and even more importantly, what I and my family needed. This all still amazes me. Can I get a hearty Amen?

Dreams and Memories

For the past month or so, I am realizing that I cannot remember hearing. I keep recalling memories from further back than ten months (when I lost my hearing), and they are different. I remember them as a deaf person, and then I am confused as I realize they happened before I went deaf. I can’t remember the voices of the people I was with, and I can’t remember listening to what they were saying. It’s like the memory has been altered, and now I remember sitting in silence. Yet, somehow I knew what was being discussed in each memory, but have no recollection of how I knew. That, I suppose, is the weirdest part. It’s sort of like a dream.

I’m just hoping that the memory of my family’s and friend’s voices is still lodged somewhere in the recesses of my brain, so that once my cochlear implant is turned on, I will able to hear them and recognize them again, just as it was before. It’s scary, because it’s getting harder and harder to remember as time goes on. I pray for God to give me dreams while I sleep, dreams in which I can hear them again. It hasn’t really happened yet, but I will be thankful when it does. I do have dreams where I can hear, but the people are usually acquaintances or people I knew from long ago.

The last dream I remember having was strange. I was home alone, and I opened a door to a room and in it were three cats. Two were cats we once had, Pele and Buster Brown, and the third was a white cat I had never seen before. I panicked a little because they had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. So I managed to remove the white cat from the house, and locked Pele and Buster back in the room. As I scurried to figure out what to do, I picked up the phone to call my friend, Sarah, but before she could answer I woke up from the dream. Only I was still sleeping. So it was a dream within a dream. And no human voices. I don’t even think I heard the cats’ meow. Very strange.

The last good memory I have from just before I went deaf is when we all went up to Marquette for the Independence Day holiday. That was such a great time with the kids. I remember all the places we went, and all the fun times we had up there, but I can’t for the life of me remember it with their voices and laughter. When I first lost my hearing, I had a lot of nightmares, and many of them involved our time up in Marquette. That was disheartening, because it was one of my most treasured memories at the time. I think that was one of the ways the devil was attacking me, and I would wake up each time with such fear and panic.

Thankfully, God took hold of those dreams and is protecting me now. God is so good. All the time.