Category Archives: Deep thoughts

Social anxieties

Lately I have found myself saying that I feel like I’m that shy 1st grader, newly transplanted to a new town, new school, new kids to befriend. I am certainly not that shy girl anymore. If this whole plunge into deafness and visual impairment has taught me anything, it’s how to talk to new people (doctors, nurses, receptionists, etc.). But still that 1st grader rears her frizzy toothless head every now and then. I’m slowly making new friends here in this new town, in this new neighborhood, but not all that gracefully. I feel like I’m stumbling and tripping as I do it. It makes for awkward moments, but either no one notices or they are comforted to learn they are not alone. I just hope it’s the latter.
What do you think? Am I too old to be feeling this way? Does it matter?

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Starting Fresh

It’s the first day of a new year. I am making no new year resolutions, but I will continue striving to be better. To live in every moment, to find the joy in what I have. Finding that joy is sometimes a challenge, but it’s always worth it. It always overshadows the crud, and the abilities I lost. Last year brought some really great changes in our lives, and maybe I’ve been remiss to share them all here on the blog. The dilemma with writing about all the good things that are going on is that you are too busy embracing those good things to write about them. I believe that is a fantastic dilemma to have. And while I’m tempted to go back and recap everything, I would rather just move forward. Because MOVING FORWARD – well, I am forever grateful to be able to do that. In everything. I’m not stuck in a state of fear or confusion or even waiting for answers. I’m moving ahead. The people around me are moving too and this time I feel like I’m with them. Oh to feel whole again. So here’s to 2016! A year of new life and wholeness. Peace, my friends, shalom.

I don’t mind a little cheese

**Warning: this post contains a lot of cheese.**

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My husband was up all night putting this cabinet together for me. I had not even asked him to, but he did it anyway. Because he loves me.

And while the cabinet doesn’t match the hutch next to it, I love it. I love both pieces, because this space is mine, and mine only. This is where I work. Where I write, where I feel like I can function in a way that is not hindered by my disabilities.

I must also mention that my husband sort of hates The Hutch. But knowing how much I love The Hutch, he lets that go. The Hutch stays, and we never speak of it.

So now, at the risk of sounding overly sentimental, these two pieces of furniture represent the sacrifices my dear husband has made for me. Which honestly is still not even accurate, when you take everything into account. We have been married for 16 years, but especially in these past two he has given up so much for me. And if you ask him, he would tell you he would do it again, in a heartbeat. This furniture will always remind me of his love and sacrifice, and with any luck will inspire the same qualities in me.

Mike, I could not live without you, nor would I want to. You are truly my everything. Thank you. I love you more than I can express in words.

Jesus is my healer

Sometimes I wonder if God wants me to share something, and I’ll pray about it, and I’ll journal, and I’ll wait. And then he shows me a Scripture or a sign or I just have a serious prompting in my heart that makes it clear that yes, I should share this. And this is one of those stories.

As I was chatting with a friend Sunday  about illness, dark times, and recovery (her dad recently went through quite a bit with a cancer scare), she brought up the time I was so sick I was sleeping all day long. She told me of when she took me for walks to try to wake me up, and specifically a time she took me to Office Max. As we were walking through the store she had to catch me because I fell asleep standing up. This astounded me. I knew it had been bad, but I had no idea how bad. Then another friend joined in the conversation and told me about people visiting in the hospital. Most of the people she listed, I don’t even remember seeing there. It was surreal, hearing these stories and feeling as if they were talking about someone else. It brought me to tears.

So I went home Sunday contemplating all of this. Later that day, Mike affirmed the gravity of the situation when he told me the nights I was in the hospital he wouldn’t sleep – couldn’t sleep – because he was so afraid of losing me. That brought me to tears again, picturing where he was, and what he had to deal with. And it just made me so… so… THANKFUL. And that night I fell asleep praising God for everything; my life, my husband, kids, friends, family.

This morning I read a story of Jesus healing 10 lepers, and in essence it was God answering my question – “should I share?” –  Luke 17:14-19 – “When he saw them he said to them, ‘Go and show yourselves to the priests.’ And as they went they were cleansed. Then one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, praising God with a loud voice; and he fell on his face at Jesus’ feet, giving him thanks. Now he was a Samaritan. Then Jesus answered, ‘Were not ten cleansed? Where are the nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?’ And he said to him, ‘Rise and go your way; your faith has made you well.’”

So I guess this is me, turning back to praise God with a loud voice and giving thanks to Jesus. He is still in the healing business.

Identity Crisis?

I started drafting a blog post yesterday with the following (to remind myself to write about it when I had more time):
“An introvert feeling lonely after three days with minimal human interaction?”

See, yesterday I was a confused, melancholy mess, for weird and petty reasons. All day I was struggling with wanting to call someone, invite them over, but then fearing that whomever I called would be too busy for a spontaneous visit or worse, not want to see me. When my husband asked me if I was okay (knowing I wasn’t), I fought back the tears (unsuccessfully) as I explained that I had been feeling lonely. And I noted how strange that was for me, the introvert. After a healthy chat, my sweet husband offered to drop me off at the mall so I could spend the day chatting with strangers. He was joking to get a laugh out of me (which worked), but it actually sounded tempting.

Then a good friend of mine posted this link on Facebook today:
Real Life Examples of an Extroverted Introvert So You Don’t Get Confused” I found this to be really interesting timing, having that article pop up in my news feed, validating all that I was feeling just the day before.

What I found most interesting in the article is the explanation that introversion/extroversion is not an either/or characteristic, but is more of a spectrum. That is to say, you can have tendencies for both, and some people lean more to one side than the other. I lean heavily on the introversion side, and have for most of my life. Which is why yesterday’s bout of loneliness was so dang confusing. Loneliness is not something I have encountered often. Hardly ever, in fact.

I really enjoy talking with people, hearing their stories. I want to know where they come from, what interests them. My favorite part of the day lately has been chatting with the parents from our neighborhood as we wait for the school bus. Perhaps these past two years of drastic changes have brought some extroverted tendencies my way. I suppose that’s not such a bad thing, right?

I’m not dead! I’m getting better! I think I’ll go for a walk…

That title is a Monty Python and the Holy Grail quote for those in the know… best read out loud with a British accent.

It’s true! I’m still here! Blog still somewhat active! The irony here, folks, is that when there is much going on and much to tell, there isn’t much time to sit down and write about it. But that time is coming. In fact, it’s kind of here, and as soon as the dust settles, I’m sure you’ll be hearing more from me.

Our little family of four (plus the dog) is happy and healthy. It’s beautiful and amazing and I am so thankful. However, I am surrounded by friends and family who are struggling in a variety of ways; sickness, disease, financial struggles, you name it. And seriously, my heart is aching for every single one of them. I am overwhelmed with a desire to help, now that I am awake enough to be aware of others’ needs. That fog has lifted from my internal/mental space. I am free to be aware. Which is a gift, yes, but with my limitations I don’t know HOW to help, other than to pray. So I pray, a lot, and I reach out as much as possible, because I know when I was struggling it meant the world to me when people did that. A note here, a message there, it all made such a difference. People say that it’s the thought that counts, but that’s not true. Unless the thought leads to action – great or small – it means nothing. But those actions do mean a great deal, no matter how small we think they are.

So that’s all I have for today, and I realize it’s a bit of a cheat, but oh well. Life goes on. Ob-la-di, ob-la-da.

Wait, before I go, can I challenge you all to something today? Turn your thoughts into actions. The positive ones, of course. If you think about doing something nice, DO IT. Be kind and courageous. I dare you!