When I saw my primary doctor about my knee I asked her if it would be safe to stop taking my anti-depressant. I had started on a higher dose, but since have gone down to the smallest dose because it was making me too numb. But now that I’ve been feeling so good, physically and mentally, I thought it would be worth a shot at stopping it altogether. She said I was on a low enough dose that I could just stop taking it and wouldn’t have any adverse effects. So, I stopped.
Here’s how I know it was leaving my system. Last week I turned on the tv and caught a few minutes of Wife Swap. The husband did something really nice and thoughtful for the wife, and I got a little choked up. Almost shed a tear. Then, a few days later I was watching a video on Facebook of a man playing the saxophone for a herd of cows, and I kid you not, they all came to the fence to listen. Again with the lump in the throat.
Then there was the time we went up in the carousel at Cedar Point and I almost had a panic attack. It was at that moment I remembered that I was off my meds and in order to cope I had to do what I had learned to do – which is to breath slowly and tell myself what was real and true. I had to tell myself that the likelihood of anything bad happening was very minimal, or else they wouldn’t have let us on the ride in the first place. And then keep breathing, slowly, in and out.
So, these sorts of things keep happening, and it tells me that the anti-depressant that was artificially numbing my emotions is out of my system. That makes me so happy, I could *literally* cry (Sometimes people say literally when they don’t mean literally. I am not those people.). This is such a good thing. I was taking the anti-depressant because I was having anxiety attacks, but I never did like that it seemed to dull my emotions all together. You can’t pick and choose with these drugs, I guess. The upside is that while I now feel sad emotions more vibrantly, I’m also feeling the happy ones too. I’m FEELing all the FEELS. You feel me?
You know that song that goes, “Rainy days and Mondays always get me down…” Well what if the rainy day is also a Monday? AND, you’ve been sneaking too much dairy cuz that ranch dressing was so delicious and it caught up with you and your fatigue is through the roof? That makes for a pretty dreary day, let me tell you. But I managed to get some bills paid for the church, and I washed some dishes, and I fed myself.
My new discovery: roasted garlic cauliflower and brussels sprouts (Grammar Girl says I don’t have to capitalize the brussels lol). Oh my gosh, so yummy. I’ll be making that for the next few days, for sure. It was some serious comfort food, and I took a wicked nap after I ate it. So the day wasn’t all bad. On to the next!
I bought an electric toothbrush last weekend and the first time I used it I made the mistake of leaving the bathroom door open. The thing is noisy. My husband said it sounded like a Peter Frampton song and I laughed so hard I spit toothpaste all over myself. So now that’s what I think of every time I clean my teeth.
It’s a beautiful sunny day here in Michigan! And finally: Sandal Weather! You GUYS – said in my best Yankee accent – my feet are so happy right now. SPRING ON, MICHIGAN!
I’m not big on resolutions, so I don’t make them. However, I’ve been hemming and hawing the last couple weeks about rejoining CrossFit. I stopped going a couple months ago to cut back on our expenses, but I think that was a bad move. I’ve since been sliding slowly toward depression, and have stopped running as well. It’s time someone gave me a swift butt-kicking to get me back in gear. So maybe I make this decision, to rejoin CrossFit and resume running regularly, and maybe it just happens to be the new year. So you could call it a New Year’s Resolution, or you could just call it coincidental timing.
So I’m just poking my head up to share that. I’m still here, and I’m doing fine. I’m just hibernating. I’ve been hunkered down at home, enjoying quality time with the family, and secretly looking forward to the kids going back to school so I can find a routine I can stick with. We’ve had a really great Christmas break so far, and we still have several days of it left. I pray you are all enjoying yourselves around these holidays and I wish you all a blessed and memorable 2019.
I’m frustrated today. Frustrated and grumpy. It’s not anything specific, really. Just more of a general feeling. I was trying to crochet but it’s a challenging basket weave pattern and I just didn’t feel like messing with it anymore. This frustration makes me very unpleasant to be around because I’m a major grump. So I’m upstairs with a beer and a laptop, and I’m hashing it out on the keyboard. I was working on my book for awhile, with my cochlear implant volumes turned way down, and my son came into the room and scared the living daylights out of me. I didn’t hear him come in!! It’s a good thing I wasn’t holding my beer at the time. I was at a stuck point with the book anyway so the distraction was nice. He read some parts of the book and then we got to talking about what he remembered from when I first lost my hearing. It’s always interesting to hear it from my kids’ perspectives.
I think what I’ve learned today, or was reminded of, is that writing calms me. That frustrated feeling has almost completely left me, and I don’t feel like such a grump anymore. And I appreciate that you are willing to read all the silly things I write. So thank you, reader. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
It’s December. My 40th December on this planet, so I am not so surprised anymore when I get all gloomy and just want to stay holed up in my cocoon (i.e. blankets, sweaters, recliner). I’m reading through my old journals as I’m trying to write my book and I’m noticing a common theme: I nap a lot. I don’t remember ever being much of a napper, and was always a little envious of people like my husband who could nap with ease. But now I feel like I’ve really mastered the art. Seriously. Y’all, I nap like it’s my JOB.
And that’s all I have to say for now, because, of course, it’s time to go back to bed.