Going back in order to move on

Okay guys. I have intentionally not been blogging because it was winter break and I wanted to be more present and “in the moment” as I spent time with my families over the Christmas and New Year festivities. That mission accomplished, I’m moving on to the next big goal.

I had previously said (maybe not here, maybe just in person to other people) that I was going to run a full marathon in the fall of 2020. But while I contemplated all the training necessary for such an endeavor, I realized I had another big goal I was wanting to accomplish this year. I want to finish writing my memoir. This is very important to me, as I’ve got a lot of stuff to say about my dramatic entrance into this life of disability that I feel God is calling me to share. So I decided I can’t focus properly on both at the same time, and I had to pick which one to work towards first. I’m choosing to write.

I had started writing the memoir a long time ago. I was able to write about what happened, but after 6 or 7000 words I was stuck. And the real problem is that the facts of what happened is only the tip of the iceberg. I need to write about how I felt at each turn, and how we all coped. I need to get real and raw. So even though I’m up way past my bedtime, I made a point to just sit and at least spend 20 minutes writing something. I just started writing, and I didn’t bother with editing or proofing as I went. And here it’s an hour later and I’ve written something, but also I’m in tears. Because I am revisiting some of my darkest, most heartbreaking days. I understand now why I was procrastinating on this. Because I almost have to relive the pain in order to share with others how I made it through. I need to go back to that place if I want my readers to go there with me.

This is going to be really effing hard, folks. Please pray for me, that God would continue to give me courage to rip open these wounds in order to write these words. These words that only He can give me. Because He has called me to share my story, and it is my understanding that He equips those whom He calls.

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