Cautiously optimistic

https://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/differences-after-ten-year-mark/?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=promoted&utm_campaign=Aubagio-CAS&utm_confid=soviec04u

This article came through on my Facebook feed yesterday and I found it interesting because this week marks 10 years since my MS diagnosis. I may be off a little on the date but I’m almost certain it was early October. It was a month or so before my daughter was born, which was 11/05/09. So, close enough.

Anyway, I find it helpful sometimes to reflect on how my mindset has changed, whether it’s better or worse, or both. Most of the time these days, it’s better.

Ten years ago I saw myself certainly being wheelchair bound by now, or at least very heavily reliant on my walker. But instead I find myself fully mobile. I have stored away a walker and 3 canes that are for sure covered in dust by now. My husband and I have talked about getting rid of them altogether, because it’s been so long since I’ve needed them. I am not quite sure I’m ready to take that step.

See, if I’m being completely honest, that suggestion frightens me. Yes, I’m doing well and I’m running races, but the nerve damage is still there, and this article reminds me of that sobering fact. I can run all I want, eat all the vegetables my heart desires, but I can’t heal the scarring that has been done to my nervous system. Only God can do that.

I want to live courageously, without fear of the future, because it’s so much better than living in fear, which is where I was 10 years ago. Heck, even 6 year ago I was there, stuck in fear mode. My body and brain were shutting down on me as a coping mechanism. But that is no way to live, and I am fairly confident those days are behind me.

As I’m sitting here writing I’m gaining courage to let go, so pictured below I present to you my canes. From left to right: The gray cane is folded for easy transport, The 2nd cane was actually my first cane following diagnosis and has ladybug stickers on it that I applied myself (Bug was my nickname through high school and many years beyond), and the last cane is covered in a paisley pattern, because I love paisley. The walker is buried in the basement and not worth retrieving for this photo, but I’ll tell you I put flame auto decals on it and named it Speedy. So you know it’s cool.

I don’t know about getting rid of the walking aids. There is still a quiet voice back there whispering “what if?” and they do hold memories for me. However, they are not very joyful memories, so Marie Kondo would encourage me to let them go. Maybe I’ll just keep the paisley cane, because it’s just so pretty. It does spark a teensy bit of joy. 😁

No, I’m still undecided. I’m going to go for a quick run and see if I can make up my mind!

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