February is almost over?

I know, I know. It’s been soooo long since I last posted. Almost a full month, can you believe that? It’s not that I have nothing going on that I could be writing about, or thoughts to share. It’s more of a quiet rebellion, the not sharing. I guess. But then I’m reading Anne Lamott recently and she inspires me to write. So I’m back again. For now.

At the end of last year I was feeling like I had this disability thing down, and then of course I realized I didn’t. Because I never will, entirely. I think what I was hoping for, striving for, was perfection in living. And I seem to remember learning that perfectionism is a curse. But how quickly we forget the most important lessons.

So how has it been? I have been tired. Continually tired and fatigued. I have my good days, or my good portions of days, but mostly they are clouded by the ever-present need for sleep and rest. This is tough for a reforming overachiever to accept, because there is so much to DO, and I can’t do it all the way I want, or when I want. I’m pretty sure I’m the only soul who really cares about that, so I could probably let that go, right?

I’m trying to learn how to relax, which as I type this I see that’s paradoxical. Trying to relax is absurd. Futile. There has to be a better way. So then I stop trying so hard, and I wait to see if it just happens, and it does! I start to relax! And then I remember there is so much left to DO, and the guilt creeps in. Back to square one. It’s a vicious and annoying cycle.

But! I have coping mechanisms for exiting the cycle. I crochet, I read, I make soup, I pray. Soup is nice, but prayer works best.

Do you know what I think it is? What’s so hard for me? I worked for so long, so many years at jobs where you got up every morning and went to work, that it’s a complete paradigm shift to be home. No one expects me to be anywhere at a certain time. I went from a full schedule to no schedule, and five years later I still haven’t got the hang of it. But I will, eventually.

All this time I’ve been quiet on the blog I’ve been busy in real life spending time with family and friends. Good, quality time, and it’s been really nice. We had some awful winter weather here in Michigan and the kids missed a lot of school, so it was fun to have them home with me even if it messed up my daily routines a little.

So that’s all I have for now, folks. Just a partially muddled brain dump. I hope you’re all having a great day today. It’s Friday! For most of you working people that means the weekend is almost here! Hurray!

“My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate.”

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