It’s been awhile since I’ve talked about fatigue. So long, in fact, that had forgotten how debilitating it is. But then it hit me, like a velvet hammer, and knocked me off my feet. I should have seen it coming, really. I had been cheating on my vegan diet. First it was a little bit of meat here and there, and then the cheese. Oh, how I missed the cheese! Creamy, cheesy pasta was my downfall. I had no stomach issues, which is what I had been expecting. What I had not expected was the fatigue. But it came, and though I’m back on my vegan diet, the fatigue is reluctant to leave.
I’m struggling. Struggling and sluggish. I’m still waking up early to be with the kids before school, but that’s been more of a challenge. I set my smart watch with alarms every 15 minutes after the initial 5:30 alarm, so if (when, rather) I turn it off and fail to get up, it wakes me up again in another 15 minutes. Since there is no snooze option on the smart watch, this works beautifully. So I get up, power through making sure the kids get off to their school buses, and then I go back to bed. Because when I try to stay up and do things, my body and mind are resisting so strongly. And when they resist that strongly, it starts to bleed into my soul and spirit and I risk entering that awful state of depression. So I rest when my body says to rest. And I pray that this doesn’t continue for long.
I know this is MS and it’s very common, but I felt like I had it beat, you know? So I’m trying not to feel defeated. I’m trying to be positive and believe that I can beat it once again. Because I cannot function like this. I simply can’t. It’s no way to live.
Okay, this is a depressing entry, I know. But please know that even through these hard days I am reminded continually that Jesus is my strength and that gives me endless hope. For reals.