Something occurred to me last night. I spent all day doing stuff. Stuff needed to be done, so I just did it. Without much thinking. Do you know what that means? Yesterday I was not fatigued. Not being fatigued means I can just get up and do things and not have to wrestle with myself about it. You just get up and do it.
I have to remember this feeling, this reality, for the days that I AM fatigued. Because those days are much more common, and those days I tend to beat myself up about it. I feel guilty on those days for not folding the laundry or vacuuming the floors or cooking good meals. I feel guilty about sleeping too much. Because some ridiculous little voice inside me tells me I’m lazy and not good for much. But that’s just not true, is it? Because the fatigue really does drag me down. I guess I live there so often I forget what non-fatigue feels like. Is this what it’s like for “normal” people? Is this what it was like for me pre-MS? It’s a wonderful feeling. Not being dragged down. The ease of standing up and walking to the other room. Deciding to put away the clean dishes and then immediately getting up and doing it. That’s something I know we take for granted. I know I did, before fatigue entered my life. But no longer. Now on days fatigue decides to step aside for awhile, I look around with awe, I breathe a little easier, and I ask myself… “What will I do today?”