Fatigue

Fatigue is hard to describe, but it is very, very real. I would say I struggle with it, but there isn’t much struggling going on. I just don’t have the energy. So, I live with it. I manage.

Thankfully, it’s not all the time. It comes and goes on a pretty regular basis, however. So I am always hopeful that it will go.

Here’ s what fatigue looks like here in my world: I wake up at 7 to help get the kids ready for school. On days when it is not below freezing outside (which hasn’t happened in a minute), I walk them to the bus stop. After the bus comes, I walk back home. I slide into my warm bed and let my mind race until I drift off to sleep. Because my mind doesn’t seem to reach the level of fatigue that my legs do.

I sleep for a good three or four hours, waking up slowly from some weird dream I won’t remember three minutes later. I lie there, willing myself to get up. When willing doesn’t work, my bladder is more convincing. I drink a lot of water.

See, my fatigue generally seems to be in my legs.  They just get feeling so heavy. It takes more effort than normal to move them around. I’ve had full-blown MS relapses where I couldn’t lift them at all, so this leg fatigue is sometimes worrisome. There is always the possibility that I will go there again. The nerves that control these legs are scarred, so they’ll never be right.

However, if I can get to where I need to be, and can sit there, I do fine. I can write, read, crochet, fold laundry even, all while sitting down. The only things I have a hard time with are mostly in the kitchen (dishes, cooking). I remember my grandma used to have a tall chair/stool type thing in her kitchen, and I always loved sitting on it as a kid. Maybe I can get one of those for my kitchen. Just something to allow me to sit up high enough to reach the counters comfortably.

Fatigue is when you wake up from a 4-hour nap and you are still tired. Fatigue is wondering who strapped lead bricks to your slippers. Fatigue is getting up from a nap and just wanting to go back to bed. Fatigue on days like these is asking, “Where is my motorized scooter?”

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