Mourning independence lost

I think I’m finally starting to let go of my “need” for independence. I’ve always been a do-er, a person who could take care of things herself, and had a resistance to asking for help.

That doesn’t work for me anymore.

I hate, hate, hate to feel like I’m a burden to anyone, and I hate having to rely on others. Last fall, I was a burden, but the people who bore that burden loved me just the same and carried it lightly. For that I am grateful.

I have come a long way since then, and have returned to some sense of normalcy, where I feel like I am contributing something of value to my family. I’m feeling useful again, and it’s nice. However, there are still things I cannot do no matter how hard I try.

I cannot drive a car. This means I can’t go get the groceries for the family, or drive the kids to and from school, or to friends’ houses for playdates. And that drives me crazy some days. That there is no option. It just is what it is.

How do you deal with something you cannot change? You could fight it, but what good would that do? No amount of fighting will change my vision. It is 100% out of my control. And I suppose I could cry about it, but I’ve shed so many tears over the past year, I think I’ve run out for awhile (Not to mention, crying doesn’t change the facts either).

So what option is left? Acceptance. Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. But what does acceptance of this low vision look like? I think it is this: you do what you can, and delegate the rest. So that is what I’m learning, to delegate. What I’m learning through the process is that people like to feel needed, and are more than willing to help. They seem to know I’m not just a lazy freeloader (most of the time, anyway) and are eager to help. It seems the bonus out of helping is that they get to spend time with me, and our friendships grow as a result. That sounds a little selfish when I say it like that, but truly, people like me! I’m funny! And, I will buy you coffee. And chocolate. And fill up your tank with gas.

That is it. Accept what is real and true with humor and grace. Laugh a little, be kind to others, and for the love of Nemo, just keep swimming…


3 thoughts on “Mourning independence lost”

  1. What is a momma? A momma is listening, and caring, and hugging, and laughing, and encouraging, and snuggling, and playing, and blessing, and loving their father. You have all these things in great abundance.

    1. I have thought about taking the bus! It’s not something I have done – ever – so I’m hesitant to try it alone. My idea was to have someone who is more familiar (like yourself!) to show me the ropes. Not urgent, so it’s been on the back burner for awhile.

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