Psalms and asides

Oh, how I love the Psalms. I like how my thoughts follow interject as I read them. Today I read Psalm 13. I’ll tell you how it went, but for reference I need to point out that I have severe nerve damage in my optic nerves, and struggle with partial vision loss. The doctors at Mayo Clinic said it would not get better, yet I have shown slight improvements ever since. It’s been a journey within a journey. So here we go…

“How long, O Lord? (Yes, I’m impatient at times)
Will you forget me forever? (No, no, no.)
How long will you hide your face from me? (Okay, I’m sorry, I know you are here. You are not hiding from me)
How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? (Do you get tired of the same old pleading, every single day?)
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? (He will not win this battle)

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
Light up my eyes, (YES! PLEASE!) lest I sleep the sleep of death, (Ok,I suppose death would be worse)
Lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” (Negative.)
Lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. (Shaken, not stirred. I’m standing firm in the knowledge that Jesus is fighting for me and He – WE – will prevail.)

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; (Oh, I have, over and over and over)
My heart shall rejoice in your salvation. (I’ll keep doing this too)
I will sing to the Lord, (Deaf ears don’t lend well to this, but I don’t think he minds, do you?) 
because he has dealt bountifully with me.”

Bountifully. What exactly does that mean? According to the dictionary, bountiful means abundant: liberal in bestowing gifts, favors, or bounties; munificent; generous. God is a generous God, liberal in bestowing gifts. Generous as in He wants to give us gifts, good things, and lots of them!

Here is where my doubt lies – does God want to heal my vision? He has given me so much, and I am thankful for all of it. I am truly happy and know that I am blessed. That fact is not lost on me. However, deep in my heart I guess I still want to pick and choose the gifts. I’m like an ungrateful child at Christmas, who didn’t get that Cabbage Patch Doll she was so hoping for. That girl, sitting on the floor amongst scads of toys and gifts, lamenting that there is no doll. This woman, sitting here in a comfortable home, with her beautiful children and husband, wondering when her vision will be restored. IF it will be restored.

Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful. And I know I am human and that God has plenty of grace for me. Grace to cover my ungrateful tendencies. I don’t know what God is doing with my vision. I know He keeps me in the dark on that point for a good reason. He wants me to trust Him.

Here’s the thing: I have a hard time with grace. I have a hard time accepting gifts. I have a hard time believing that I deserve. But you know what? I don’t. None of us do. That’s what grace is all about – the free and unmerited favor of God. I don’t know if my eyes will be completely healed this side of heaven or not, but I know God wants to give me good things. And who knows? Maybe that’s one of them. I did get that Cabbage Patch Doll, after all.

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