I suck at consistently writing

Did I really just go an entire month without even thinking about blogging? So much has happened, I don’t even know how to update you properly.

I’ll say I do believe the unplanned hiatus was a result of the medication I’m now on for anxiety. It starting working right away, but I discovered it was actually working a little too well. I went from being anxious about every possible thing, to not caring about much at all. Even the important stuff. So a few days ago I started taking half a dose, and that seems to be working out well. I’m caring again but I’m not having panic attacks, and that makes me very happy. I’m praying that I’ve found the right balance and look forward to moving on with my life.

My daughter turned 8 a couple weeks ago. My precious baby girl is 8. She’s growing up too fast for me. I just need her to slow down. She is currently obsessed with unicorns and animal print – two things I have zero interest in or experience with, so I’m sort of watching her from afar, in awe of her sense of self and unashamed quirkiness. I know she’ll look back on these days and wonder what she could have been thinking and ask me why I didn’t forbid her from making these disastrous fashion choices, and I cannot wait for that day. I was her age during the 80’s, so I have plenty of those groan-worthy memories to look back on.

We threw a party to celebrate right here at the house, with a handful of Natalie’s friends from school and the neighborhood, both old and new. The girls gave themselves Jamberry manicures and ate unicorn cake and rainbow sherbet. Then at the end we had time leftover so the girls put together a fairly rowdy game of Simon Says. It was really something to be on the outside, seeing her in her element and enjoying spending time with her friends. She just seemed so grown up, so “Eight.” It’s one of those days I hope I never forget.

2017-11-11 15.17.45

In other news, I went to a new audiologist today to update the programming of my cochlear implants. While the audiologist I had been seeing was nice and all, we never felt like she really knew much about the technology for my implants. I think she probably dealt more with hearing aids. With my last programming, my husband was positive that it was a big change in the wrong direction, and that I ought to find a new audiologist. Well, I finally did and it certainly paid off. The office only services people with cochlear implants, so that is their specialty. We knew as soon as we walked in that we were in the right place. The visit took a solid two hours but it was thorough and I left feeling a ton more confident about my hearing level and speech recognition. Exhausted, but confident. I’m looking forward to the days ahead, for every opportunity to hear all the typical sounds in a new way with this new and improved programming. Technology truly is a wonderful thing.

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In lieu of private journaling

Sometimes I just want to drone on with the ideas swirling around in my head. Normally I reserve those thoughts for my private journal, but today I felt like they were innocuous enough to share here.

Lately I’ve been fairly busy. Not with super important or time sensitive things, but just generally busy. Between doctor visits, Bible study, housework, and spending time with friends, I’ve had a steady stream of activity. And while I don’t hate that, I find it is kind of a new thing for me and a part of me is a little worried that I’ll forget something important. When I was working and going to school I had a million things to keep track of, and it was never a problem. Stressful yes, but I managed just fine. In a way, I think I actually enjoyed staying so busy. Then I was thrust into long term disability – or as I like to call it, early retirement – and now I am learning I need to find new things to keep me occupied.

For awhile I was keeping myself occupied with a responsible schedule of housework. Cooking and cleaning and other general household management activities. However, that was getting so Boring, with a capital B. So now I’m trying to step back a little on those things, because they are still necessary, and make room for some fun activities. However, I never really had many hobbies before, so I’m in what I like to call a brainstorming stage.

I do like to crochet, but I don’t care for the creative stuff, and you can only make so many afghans. Plus, it’s very antisocial because I can’t really crochet with friends. Well, I can, but not like I used to. I used to be able to have conversations with people while crocheting, but now that reading lips is such a crucial part of listening for me, I can really only do one or the other. Listening takes a lot more effort than it used to.

I’ve heard that bars around town have trivia nights, and I think that might be fun to try some time. I am convinced I would absolutely suck at trivia because my memory is horse dookey, but I think as long as it was with friends it would be fun.

I really, really want to try karaoke. I’ve done it twice in my life, and I know people groan when you talk about karaoke, but those two times were very memorable and fun for me. I was never the best singer, and of course I’m even worse now, but I still think it’s fun to sing along while everyone watches and laughs. My husband says I should warn people when I get up on stage: “Hey everyone, I’m deaf. And once you hear this, you’re gonna wish you were too!” You have to be able to laugh at yourself once in awhile, right? And isn’t that what karaoke is all about?

I discovered last night that my favorite afghan has some pretty significant holes in it, which are like cancer to a crocheted blanket, so it’s on it’s way out. This was the first afghan I crocheted with my favorite pattern, so it’s a little sad that it’s dying. BUT, I made it with really cheap yarn and I’ve improved working on that pattern over the years, so maybe it’s time I start a new one, just for me. A new favorite.

When I woke up yesterday I put my cochlear implants on and discovered the right ear processor would not connect. Checked all the cords, and everything looked fine. Tried the left processor on the right side and that worked fine, so I knew it wasn’t my head (the lady in customer service laughed at that). So I’m down to one ear until the manufacturer sends me a replacement. I can’t believe I made it through that phone call with one ear! Pitches are much higher with just the one processor, so everyone sounds like chipmunks. Funny not funny :/ I am not complaining, but it really did spoil most of my day yesterday. It took me a good while to come out of that funk, but I’m better now. I’m finding that with just the one, every day sounds are not as harsh or bothersome, so that’s something to be thankful for. Still, I will be happy to have that second ear back.

Kids have a half day today so they’ll be home soon! Peace and hugs….

Here’s an honest post

Not that my posts are never honest, just that this one is taking me a little bit of extra courage to post. I’ve got my big girl pants on here, folks.

I went to see my doctor yesterday to talk about anxiety. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for some time now, well over a year, only I’m just now realizing that’s what IT is. So I’m getting help.  And in case there was any shred of doubt in my mind that this was a real problem for me, I got worked up and nervous on the way to the doctor’s, worrying that we wouldn’t get there in time (with 50 minutes still yet to spare), and then the doctor’s office made me wait for a good 30 minutes. So I sat there, appearing completely calm, while my insides itched and twitched and crawled around. My heart was racing, my chest was getting so tight it was hard to breathe. When I describe all this to my doctor, and to friends who are familiar with anxiety, they nod in reassurance that it is a real problem and I’m not crazy.

These little anxiety attacks happen more frequently than they ought to. Very often, too often, they cause me to lash out in anger at my children. They don’t deserve that (usually lol). Also it’s just mentally exhausting to be walking around in an amped up state of mind, with your insides all twitchy and restless. Honestly, it didn’t bother me quite as much when I was fatigued. I’m not saying I want to go back to the land of fatigue, of course not, I’m just saying the anxiety wasn’t as evident. I didn’t really see it for what it was because I was blaming it on the fatigue and I could always just sleep it off. But no more. Now I am healthy and I’ve got energy to feel the things I’m feeling that need to be addressed. And now I’m addressing them. Lord, don’t leave me now. I still need You every day.

I’ve thought a lot about where this anxiety is coming from. Who knows, really, but I wonder if this is the residual effects of my vision and hearing loss. Now that I’ve reconnected with people and I’m in better physical health, maybe this is part of that grief and rehabilitation process. I certainly don’t like to give my disabilities more credit than they deserve, but it’s true that I live outside of my comfort zone almost 90% of the time. Nothing looks right, nothing sounds right. It’s all still very foreign to me. I have to believe that this won’t always be true. I have to believe that I’m going to find my new comfort zone. And when I do, believe me, I will move right in. I’ll decorate it with paisley, Wonder Woman, and maybe a cowbell or two. And all my favorite people will be invited!

 

Lazy Sunday afternoon

Lazy Sunday afternoon… I feel like that’s a song lyric but I can’t seem to place it with any memorable melody. Oh well.

I finally have my computer back, as of last night. I ended up restoring it to the factory defaults, which took a good day and a half. Then I had to restore all my files, which took another day. So while it felt like FOREVER it wasn’t so bad. And I’m pretty sure I have everything back. This computer is not that old so it shouldn’t be having so many issues, in my opinion, but I am glad to have my backup so I don’t lose my photos and documents. Technology is amazing, when it works.

And it is working, that’s for sure. I was able to scan my Bible study notes, so I can get caught up on my lesson homework for this week. We are studying the book of Romans, which is an amazing book. Lots of practical truth in there with a good dose of conviction, grace, and humility. I’m loving it.

Yesterday I ran the 2017 Hot Cider Hustle 5k with some awesome ladies. I had not trained for it so I had some really low expectations going in. Then when the forecast showed rain for the day, my expectations dropped to another level. My new goal was twofold, finish before sundown, and have fun. My chip time was 43:45, which I don’t think was too bad considering the lack of training and the rain. I think my 5k times have usually been around 38 or so. I have to give a shout out to my sister who came and ran not only a PR, but placed 1st in her age group! Last year it was my brother placing 1st in his age group. I think that is some kind of weird and awesome tradition.

When I ran this race last year I had so much trouble with the route, so I wasn’t going to run it again. But then I saw that they changed the location altogether, with a much safer looking route, so I couldn’t resist (I’m totally in it for the swag – hoodies, coffee mugs, hot cider) and it’s just a fun race so I hope to be able to run it every year.

We became official members of our church today. We’ve been attending there for well over a year and just hadn’t really gotten around to it. But things finally did slow down and we were able to make it happen. We love this church. Everyone there has been so welcoming and genuine – both with their personal faith and with their hang-ups – that we feel like it’s a great place to have some healthy encouragement and accountability as we work to become better followers of Christ. That and they have free coffee 😉

This concludes my lazy Sunday update. I hope everyone is hanging in there. HUGS!!

Blogging from my phone today

Because this:

I came home from bible study and was going to scan my study notes, because they are difficult for me to read and I can enlarge them and view them in high contrast on the computer. I was met with this. 100% means it is done, but clearly it’s not because that little circle is still swirling. And these are the times I’m reminded that even I can be an impatient person.

If I weren’t down in the basement I would throw the computer out the window.

Oh heavens, now it’s reverted to 30%! I’m gonna go make myself some lunch. Later, gators…

Adventures in low vision

I’ve been starting to wear my contact lenses again. They don’t have the glare protection I have with my glasses so I don’t see quite as well with them, but it’s a worthy trade off. With my contacts I feel much less inhibited, which is of great value when you have low vision and hearing impairment. That and it kind of allows me to tuck my hair behind my ears, which is a habit I regretfully had to give up when I got my cochlear implants. Between the earpieces and my eyeglasses, there was just no room for my hair.

I recently went back to the eye doctor to update my prescription so I could order more contacts and I asked them if it would be a problem to just wear one contact. My visual field index in my right eye is 27%. Meaning out of an entire area normal eyes can see, I am unable to see 73% of it with that eye. Which makes it kind of a useless eye, in my opinion, so I don’t feel justified in paying for a contact for that eye. The 27% I do see has clearer vision anyway, and can get away without corrective lenses.

I wear colored contacts that pretty well match my eye color, and that is just to prevent me from losing the contacts altogether. I have a hard enough time seeing things without contrast, so when I drop a clear contact, it’s nearly impossible to find.

All that to say, if you see me out and about and I’m not wearing eyeglasses, take a real close look and see if you can tell which eye has the contact in it. The ladies at the eye doctor assured me it was a pretty close match (although one of them thought it would be “cool” to have two different colored eyes), so I’m trusting they were being honest. Because I’m fairly colorblind and can’t tell for myself.

If anyone is really interested in this visual field index stuff and knows how to do the math, maybe you could tell me how much total vision I have with both eyes combined. Left eye sees 51%, right eye sees 27%, so with that means… what? That it’s a good thing they don’t let me drive anymore? That’s all I can say for sure!

I was gonna end the post there, but I just remembered a funny thing I did today, to give you a glimpse of life with me and my crummy eyes (my family is unnervingly unphased by it by now). Tonight I was making scrambled eggs for the family and I grabbed an almost empty carton from the fridge to add milk to the egg mixture. I knew as soon as I started pouring that I had grabbed the wrong carton. What I thought was the last of the milk was actually the last of the apple cider. Oy. I went with it though, cuz I didn’t figure it was going to hurt anyone, and I don’t think I poured enough to really alter the flavor. Crap like this seems to happen to me on a fairly regular basis, but I have to laugh or else I would cry. Life goes on, right?

Learning life without fatigue

I am still really super happy to be rid of fatigue. I don’t think that will ever get old. Not having fatigue feels a lot like someone just handed me my life back. Now I’m just figuring out what to do with it. I have all this energy during the day and I get feeling restless. But when I’m feeling restless it’s still hard to think of what I should or could be doing. I don’t really want to blame my brain for not cooperating, but it is what it is.

I recently decided I want to be more intentional about how I use my time throughout the day. “Going with the flow” is okay every once in awhile but I’m not real comfortable staying there. I want to be serious about keeping up with housework, but still give myself time to rest when needed (not to mention recognize when the rest is needed). My solution? I downloaded an app on my phone – because there is ALWAYS an app for that. It’s been helping me keep track of all my daily tasks, occasional to-dos, and ongoing habits I’m trying to form. Spending time with God, playing fetch with the dog, cleaning house – these are all things I want to be doing every day. The app awards me points every time I complete something, so I’ve added things like taking my medicine, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathrooms. It’s made doing stuff kind of a game, and I’m already on level 4! I haven’t quite figured out what I can do in the “game” at level 4 but I don’t really care because apparently I’m a simple girl and I’m happy enough moving up the level ladder.

I’d write more, figure out a way to cleanly close this post, but my tummy is growling at me so I’m off to the kitchen! Have a happy Friday y’all!