I was lamenting to my therapist this week that I recently started feeling like the Zoloft I take was leaving me a bit numb and had altered my usual emotional self. Which I suppose in hindsight is odd because I’ve been taking it since last December. She wasn’t quite sold on the idea, I could tell, and she let me just talk around the issue until I came around to the possibility that maybe I am just aging and becoming more subdued. Mellow. But we agreed I could still be mellow and maintain my core characteristics. I can still be the same old Mindy. Just a mellower version, I suppose. My husband has always called me Mel, which is short for my full name – Melinda. So now he can call me Mellow Mel (though if he did I doubt I would answer lol). This is an interesting development, but I can embrace it. It’s kind of nice to be more calm. I could definitely get used to it, and I hope it lasts.
My daughter and I went camping last weekend. We left on Wednesday and came back Sunday so it was a little more than a weekend. My kids (and sometimes me too) have camped with the church my dad was pastoring for the past four or five years. He is no longer pastoring the church because he is retired, but the people really bonded with us and invited us back this year. I’m so glad we went, and I hope to join them in future years, but the whole time I was there I was dreaming that we could do similar trips with our own church family back home. Someday. We’re still growing. Right now we do a camp thing but it’s just one night and it’s held on one of the family’s properties. Also, my family has not yet been able to go. Conflicting schedules and all that.
Anyhoo. The camping trip for me consisted of a lot of relaxing on the porch of our cabin, crocheting and reading. The occasional walk around the campground to chat with people. I did not see much of my daughter because she was off riding her bike and playing with the other girls. One of the girls had brought about a dozen headbands with mermaid sequin cat ears, so they each wore a headband for the duration of camp. They dubbed themselves the “kitty cat club” and I can’t even tell you how that warms my heart. That all these young girls so quickly bonded. All of the mothers and grandmothers were touched to see their bond and we hope to keep them all in touch by good old fashioned snail mail. Perhaps they can remain friends throughout school, and make appearances at each other’s graduation parties. The last night of camp they all sat around and cried because they were sad that camp was ending and they wouldn’t see each other again for a very long time, if ever.
The first full day we were there we went for a canoe ride on the river. It was so wonderful and peaceful. Until the very end. Just at the end where everyone docks we hit a large rock or log and the current of the river yanked us over. Y’all, I was so freaking scared. I saw Natalie and her friend floating away towards the dock, and then I saw my AquaMic, my waterproof case for my cochlear implant, floating away. It had come off my head and life vest in the fall, and I was struggling to catch it before it was lost forever. It took a couple grabs but I was able to secure it and get back to shore. That’s when I saw my shoe floating away. Gah! Just a shoe, I know, but still. One of the older boys at the shore, or the gentleman who had been steering our canoe, I’m not sure, was able to get to where the shoe was and grab it for me. I did not want to have to walk around camp the rest of the weekend in flip flops. But really, I was mainly happy to be on dry land and could see that Natalie and her friend had made it safely to shore as well. When I walked over to her, she was almost in tears. She said she thought she was going to lose me. That’s when I realized that I must have put on quite a spectacle of fear when I was trying not to lose my precious cochlear implant. I felt really bad but she got over it pretty quickly once we went and got ice cream, so it was fine.
Oh, I almost forgot about my phone. I was wearing my running belt to hold money for ice cream and my phone in a Ziploc bag. I took it out at the ice cream shop to check it and realized right away that it was not doing well. Those Ziploc bags are not airtight, I guess. Or I hadn’t closed it tight enough. I freaked out a ton because my phone is my connection to the world, as I’m sure it is for most people, but my nextdoor cabin neighbor had rice that I was able to leave the phone in for the remainder of camp. It didn’t fix it completely, as I still can’t use my “back” button unless I use the phone’s stylus, but it’s otherwise fine. Answers calls, sends texts, my books are all still there. It even charges normally. So it’s only minorly disabled. Kinda like me, you could say.
The day after that canoe event we had a tug of war between the guys and gals. The tricky thing is that they do tug of war in the river. It’s shallow at the shore but it’s quite rocky and the rocks are sharp and slippery. I tripped/slipped on a fairly large rock and bruised my shin pretty well, and then went on to assist the girls in winning a match. When they made us switch sides it was a different story because that’s where all the rocks were so it was almost impossible to gain a good footing. They tried to get me to join them the following day for a rematch but I told them no. That river and me were broke up and I had no interest in going back for more abuse.
I was pretty wrecked by Saturday afternoon, and kind of ready to go home. My legs weren’t moving right, I had bruises and pulled muscles all over the place, and I missed my shower. So I’m very happy to be home, but my body is telling me it’s still not recovered from all the activity, so I’ve dubbed this entire week a Week of Recovery. I’ll be resting as much as possible, with the hope that I’ll be back to working conditions by Monday.
I had several vivid dreams last night and all of them were filled with the music of R.E.M., which is ironic and weird but also really awesome because I was able to hear and enjoy the music with working, human ears. In one dream I was actually chatting with Michael Stipe so that was an added bonus. He was his strange self but also very laid back and easy to talk to. Which was nice because even in my dreams I suffer from a little social anxiety. Ha!
Those types of dreams are so refreshing and a blessing to my heart. I consider them a gift from God and I am thankful for them. I’ve been deaf for a solid five years now but I will never lose my love for music.
I ran a 5k last night with my friend and neighbor, Theresa. We had talked awhile ago about running a Color Run together, but it didn’t look like they had one coming back to our town. So I found us another fun run, on what I thought would be an easy course. It was set on a local high school’s cross country course, so I suppose I should have known. It was fine, really, just an added challenge. Everyone got their own squirt gun, and there were stations along the course where you could fill up, or get shot at, or both. I was all about squirting the little kids at first, but after the first half mile or so I just wanted to focus on running.
This was a different run for me because it wasn’t on pavement, and I wasn’t wearing my cochlear implants (they aren’t waterproof). So running deaf and on uneven terrain (that I couldn’t always see) proved to be quite the challenge. However, it was great having Theresa running right next to me, to alert me to upcoming obstacles and steer me in the right direction. Towards the end, as my legs were growing rather tired and we were making our way through the woods, I tripped on a fairly large root (or something) and Theresa caught me just before my face hit the ground. It was a very impressive catch! It was kind of scary for me though, not because of the falling, but because of the way my right leg responded to the falling. In the past I’ve been able to catch my balance, but this time my right leg – my “good” leg – completely gave out on me. Theresa had to lift me up to standing and then help me move my right leg to a stable standing position, and then after a minute or so I felt ready enough to get back into the motion of running. Of course I was still unsure of my footing and really not trusting either one of my legs, so Theresa kept a good hold on me as we continued the race.
I’m still sort of replaying the whole experience in my head in slow motion. I have been working really hard to be able to run this 10k in October and I don’t want this experience to keep me from that. I want to use this as a learning experience and maybe a reminder of how important it is to get my legs as strong as possible. I can’t know for sure if this body will allow me to run 6.2 miles in a row but I’m gonna keep pushing the boundaries and let it tell me when it can’t go any further.
Sidenote: On the way home, Theresa suggested stopping for a beer, so we ended the night with a cold glass of Guinness each! I think I’ve found another kindred spirit 🙂
Well, I haven’t hit the wall just yet. I did some lifting this morning at CrossFit, and then spent the rest of the morning doing bookkeeping, i.e. paying bills for our family and the church. And now it’s 2 pm and I’m zonked. My son read my post yesterday and he votes for the option to rest, so I might do that. And then get back to the things. Early afternoon is a perfect time for napping, wouldn’t you say?
I think this week I’ve been approaching a wall. Lately I’ve been doing really well, energy wise, but this week I’ve noticed myself dragging quite a bit more. I am not the Energizer Bunny. Monday I slept until 11:11. That’s about 4 hours later than usual. Every day I debate whether to push myself or to take the hint and rest. I feel like I’ve found an okay balance between the two options, but I still have that nagging feeling that I need a major reset. Each night I go to bed hoping that night’s sleep will be the reset button. Maybe tonight! We’ll see.
Oh! I’m running a fun 5k on Friday night. It’s not chip timed, so it’s not exactly competitive. However, everyone will have squirt guns so it should be fun. I’m a smidge nervous because I won’t be able to wear my cochlear implants, but I’ll be running with a friend so I’ll have her to keep an eye out for me in case anyone is shouting at me to move aside or something.
I’m still seeing a counselor for my anxiety and she’s still really helping me. I don’t go as frequently now but I still have her suggestions to take with me throughout each day, and I’m constantly analyzing my inner thoughts to retrace how I got to each state of anxiety, and that’s actually really helping. I tell myself a lot of lies, apparently. So it’s good to be working that out. I’m taking every thought captive, just like that Bible verse in 2 Corinthians. Make each thought obedient to Christ, as in make sure it’s truth!
I am making a LOT of new friends at our church, and that’s been exciting. It’s nerve-wracking at first, because it feels scary to put myself out there and introduce myself to new people who didn’t know me prior to my hearing and vision loss. It doesn’t help that I keep introducing myself to people I’ve already met. The handful of people I’ve done that with don’t seem to mind. They just smile, shake my hand and say “we’ve already met, but that’s ok!” I’m leading a Financial Peace University class in September so I’ll have even more opportunities to re-introduce myself to people! Keeps life interesting, I guess.
Summer is half over, I know, but I’m just now getting the hang of it, I believe. We have a couple trips planned in the next month or so, stuff the kids can look forward to, but with enough down time in between to recover from all the fun we’ll be having. And then before you know it the kids will be back in school. Our son is starting middle school this year so he’ll be on an earlier schedule than his sister. He’ll have to be at the bus stop by 6:30, so we’ll have to get him used to waking up super early. I have been joking with him that he’s on his own here, that no way I’m getting up that early, but we all know I am too much of a control freak to let him fly without any supervision. So I’ll have to start getting used to being up early, if only to supervise for awhile.
Well, I have CrossFit in the morning so I need to sign off for now. Good night bloggy people!
“Like fingernails on a chalkboard”… this phrase dates me, I suppose. They don’t use chalkboards anymore, do they? But if you know the phrase, you’ll understand when I say that listening to most music now, with my cochlear implants, is an experience much like listening to someone scraping their fingernails on a chalkboard. It’s just that unpleasant. But I still, after five years, desperately miss music. So I’ve been trying to visit different genres than what I was used to, in hopes that something might bring me the same joy. What I’ve found so far that sounds good to me is plain piano music, drums, some hip-hop, and techno. Anything with a lot of different instruments or voices or a combination of both is just too much for my processors to handle. However, if it’s a familiar song and I can pick out the melody, it’s tolerable and somewhat enjoyable. So a lot of R.E.M. songs are still enjoyable to me and invoke good memories. They have been a favorite of mine since high school when I first heard the “Out of Time” album, and though many songs on the album are too grinding to listen to, just as many are pleasant and bring back happy memories. Actually, I could say that about several of their albums.
And then ironically, one band I used to hate actually sounds better to me now, and that’s the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Weird phenomenon, I know. I still stubbornly refuse to like them.
I’m loving the Pandora app for helping me branch out and find new music. If I hear a song that I really like, I’ll start up a station using that as a base, and it introduces me to all kinds of new, yet similar, songs. Current example (now playing): I find many of The White Stripes songs work well for my processors. They use clean beats that don’t get muddled around with the vocals, from what I can tell. Also Daft Punk, Stanton Warriors, DJ Krush. These are artists I have never heard of, and that probably most of my friends have never heard of, but that doesn’t really matter, does it? It’s music and it sounds good to me and brings me joy. That’s why God gave us music, right? I like to believe that’s why, anyway.